Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
