so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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