dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
