Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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