i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
