Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
