can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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