i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
