he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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