Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
cat food counts as protein by the way
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
