it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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