I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
