I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
