Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize