can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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