I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
