and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
