listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
