ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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