rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
