I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
