I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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