tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
