FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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