Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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