I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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