I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He better not be in your backpack
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
