I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
