Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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