My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
