Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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