Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She bit a glass in half.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
