I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
