my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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