the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
