Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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