She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
