Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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