Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
