he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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