just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
