so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
