did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize