so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
