Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
