Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
