that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
