Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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