You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
