new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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