YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize