Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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