She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
