Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
