I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
