I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
