I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
