She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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