guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
