i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
