Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
