You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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