dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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